Which is why most of us are left totally unprepared for the crashing down of wave after wave of disappointment, shame, revelation, exposure. Just when you think you've got things just the way you want them is when things will slowly start unravelling. The secret is, and listen closely now, to never feel secure in the first place. Build your life on the expectation that things will change, and be prepared to precariously glide with each wave like a ship over stormy seas, but never expect to know quite where things will end up.
My pride, identity and my self-awareness has taken a thorough alteration of purpose since my discovery in March, my definition of myself has been erased completely to be replaced with a blank- an open space to be filled with whoever I turn out to be now that all the labels have been peeled away. Why is it so alarming to realize I can be whomever I choose? It has been so long since I could simply do what comes naturally with little regard for who might be guarding feelings of disapproval. Maybe what I'm realizing is that choosing who to be gets me into deeper trouble than just being everything I am, that instead of struggling to steer my ship into the night perhaps I need to let go and discover whatever the world has waiting for me as it comes. Lay back, eyes to the sky, drifting passively through the storm, ears filled with the rage of the sea around me and the sound of my own breath, in and out. When the calm comes, as it inevitably will, and the sky is as luminous and open as it is now heavy with my fantasies and hopes dissolved into a million raindrops to be poured over me in sheets of drenching loneliness, I will be absolved.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry
No comments:
Post a Comment