But you're not the boss of me. So be forever forewarned, I'm long-winded, wordy, and have too much time on my hands... which puts me in the perfect position to blog if only to get what's spinning in my head down into sentences to be read to myself later.
Today marks the beginning of a bold new step into a life I'd never expected for myself 6 months ago. For the first time in my life, I am totally, unequivocally unattached. No relationships, or shoddy excuses for pseudo-relationships like in years gone by. No roommates. No child for months to come. Just myself, and my brain.
I am making a lot of effort to be looking at the positives of this situation- maybe I'll find time to start writing music again, I can achieve some of my personal and physical goals, or maybe the time will give me some sort of insight into how to arrange my life onto a path that moves toward success, love and satisfaction for at least some span of time. I know nothing lasts forever, and I have been reminded of this more times in the last 4 months than ever before. In the back of my mind, I realize that people out there go through things like what I'm going through every day, and it helps to normalize the strain, and throws in a little hope. Someday, when the circumstances are what they need to be, I will have achieved enough personal satisfaction to feel genuinely happy again.
For now, I remain optimistic, because the knowledge that wallowing achieves nothing but deeper sadness is something I am still freshly familiar with. I am happy for many small things in my life- being a mother and having my soul, my breath, my universe making me proud every day, my family and the fact that I am finally a part of that family again, reconnecting with people who knew and loved me when I was living life to the fullest and can remind me of how much easier that is than I would like to admit, and for the people who have been finding me along the way and beginning to make their marks in the running saga that is the collective, respective lives we lead.
I would love to pretend that I am totally unaffected by the lives of the people around me, but the truth is, being committed is something I don't do intentionally. People I care about become irreversably entwined into my life regardless of the relationships I have with them, there are people I have known 17 years whom I see rarely but whose lives still play into mine as if fated that way, and I wouldn't change it for anything. I love that knowledge, that goodbye is a word, and that in the end we walk the path we walk whether it is chosen for us or we select it ourselves, and all paths cross and merge and separate but regardless we are walking together. We are all walking, and it is up to us to walk alone or to find ways to make this journey a co-operative effort. I will always choose the path that is enriched with the hands and eyes and lips and words and love of others, and offer as much as I can to enrich their journey on the way.
A life without emotion is a shell of a life indeed.
No comments:
Post a Comment